Notice & Decide

I’m fairly self-aware. In addition to being a therapist, I am in therapy regularly & I do a lot of writing. And, part of staying on top of my work is reading psychology-adjacent books, which brings up topics and ideas that humble and teach me.

But, during pregnancy – all bets are off.

I have to work 3x as hard to notice patterns, acknowledge the way my feelings are dictating my behaviors, and check my own reactivity. In some ways, I’m grateful for the experience of feeling like I’m losing my mind because it keeps me close to the experience many of my mom-clients. But, while it’s clinically beneficial, personally it’s not fun.

So let me take you back to this conflict… My husband had traveled for work, after a week that we had traveled as a family. We had returned from vacation very, very sick. After finally recovering from the chaos, the next day, I was flying to attend an out-of-town baby shower.

Our normal routines and structures around sleep, food, and naps, were off, and it was a lot.

As a result, I was putting a lot of pressure on that 24 hours we were all home, with the hope I could set us up so the next week didn’t feel like the last two.

As I was walking out the door to the grocery shop for the week, I asked my husband to fix the dishwasher.

We are clean-sink people, and because the dishwasher had broken the previous night, we had a sink full of dishes that felt like they were overtaking the kitchen.

Looking back – I had been excited all week to be back in our routines. We eat almost all of our meals at home, and not having what we need to make meals and snacks that are healthish is a trigger for me feeling “behind” each day. So, I was eager to reset.

And when I pulled into the driveway, I was ready to wash fruit, prep snacks, and cut veggies. But this vision I was ready for was predicated on a clean sink. And instead of fixing the dishwasher and clearing the sink, my husband decided to set up his new BBQ.

To say that I lost it would be a really big understatement.

I stomped back and forth, passing him as I unloaded groceries from the car, shooting him dagger looks. Very passive aggressive. He’s not dumb, and also – this isn’t normal behavior from me, so he attempted to talk about it. And in this conversation, he mentioned that it might be a good idea for me to go to a hotel for the night.

What heard was: “You’re acting crazy – leave the house.”

What he actually said was: “Do you need some time? I can book the Hyatt next to SFO for you.”

Aside from the fact that this isn’t how we have ever communicated with one another (re: “Leave the house!”), there’s some important context here. My flight was at 6am the next morning. My husband travels often for work, and because traffic to the airport is always a variable that’s hard to nail down, if he has a 6am flight, he often stays overnight at the hotel next to the airport.

But registering the context was not available to me at that moment.

So instead of hearing a sweet offer from my husband, who was recognizing that I needed a break, and taking him up on it, I stormed off (to do our taxes actually… what a wise, regulating choice).

Looking back – that whole hour, I had lost the ability to notice. Which is ironic, because SO much of what we do in therapy is based on this foundation of being able to notice & decide.

• It’s making space for the subconscious to become conscious.
• It’s having the accountability of saying the same thing for weeks, so that you can hear yourself, notice the pattern, and choose differently.
• It’s reflecting regularly, so we can cultivate the ability to notice & decide how we want to act.

Why did I share this story? Two reasons:

1. I think it’s helpful sometimes to hear someone process the uglier parts of themselves. I have a good marriage, and that was a rough day. The truth is – everyone has these kinds of moments every once in a while. Being frustrated and overwhelmed are part of being human, a parent, a wife, and so many other roles in life.
2. It’s relevant to this week’s challenge for you… if you feel like you are more reactive than normal – if you don’t like how you are talking to your people, or if you feel angry on a regular basis, therapy might be helpful.But, it also might be helpful to notice & decide instead of continuing to operate in the same patterns, and expecting the outcomes to change.

Notice & Decide

Usually the most helpful way to start noticing your own reactions is to build a routine for a week or two where you are checking in with yourself more regularly and giving yourself some kind of data around when you’re feeling good and when things are falling off the rails.

Here are two of my favorite tools to try:

1. Scales:

3 times a day (I usually recommend meal times because it’s an easy habit stack for moms & parents) think about what number you are. Take account of your mood, how your body feels, expectations, accomplishments, good & hard moments since the last check in and give it a number on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being peaceful and grateful and 10 being me, in my – post grocery trip breakdown. (The OG Therapy Notes readers will remember this as similar to temperature checks).

• The first step is noticing, or giving it a number.
• The second step is deciding. Once you know what # you are, think about what it would it take to lower it 1 point on the scale. If you are a 7, how do you get to 6? If you are a 10, how do you get to 9?Some of my favorites:
  • Getting outside
  • Having electrolytes or some sort of snack
  • Changing into comfier clothes
  • Asking a friend if they want to meet us at the park
  • Writing down my to-dos, so I have something concrete to work with
  • Cleaning a specific area as a reset
  • Baking something
  • Going for a walk
  • Listening to a favorite podcast

Then, consider what number you want to feel at the end of the day, or tomorrow, and start brainstorming what might help you get there. The question you are asking is – what realistic step can I take that is in my control, right now, to care for myself?

2. Time Tracking:

Many, many moms I work with report feeling overwhelmed all the time, yet feeling like they aren’t productive, which leads to the question – where does the time go?

• For some, they are feeling stuck in cycles where they can’t get things done
• For others, they are hyper productive, with unrealistic to-do lists

Whatever part of the spectrum you find yourself on, this exercise will help you notice & decide.

1. Make a copy of this Google Doc
2. Sit down at the end of each day, for 7 days, and recap where your time went. ***Even if you keep a calendar, this is a super helpful process to account for your time hour by hour.
3. Ask yourself:

• Are there surprises about where your time is going?
• What were your best hours? What were the most challenging hours? What do you notice about how your time was spent on each?
• Are there any themes/patterns worth calling out?

It’s important to note – The goal here isn’t efficiency – it’s to notice where time is going & decide how it feels to have it spent in those ways.

4. Share your takeaways with a spouse or friend – what did you learn about your time that you’d like to attempt to change? Is there support or communication needed to do so?

If you’ve been having crazy-lady parenting or marriage moments over the last few weeks, I hope hearing my story makes you feel a little less alone. I’ll be resetting this week with these tools, and hope you will join me 🙂

If you’re a postpartum mom looking for support…

If you are in need of a perinatal mental health therapist, I’m not currently taking new clients, but I’m happy to connect you with a professional who is licensed in your area. Feel free to reach out to me at kylie@kyliehempy.com or search your zip code through PSI.